Friday, March 18, 2005

Genetics

It is raining here …. Again.

I am not going to let it get me down because I am just so happy that it is Friday.

My week went by fast. Except for my near breakdown over not fitting into any of my clothes on Monday, everything was great. I went through my closet again and was able to put together ok outfits for the rest of the week. I think I was so upset on Monday because everything I am wearing makes me feel ugly. I know a lot of pregnant women say the feel/look beautiful when they are pregnant. I am just not there. I still don’t look pregnant, not that I am complaining, but I wonder if people are whispering about how much weight I have gained. One day my tummy will pop out and there will be just no more hiding them. Then I will walk around going…see, I wasn’t just getting fat - followed by an evil internal laugh.

Not that I should care.
But I do.

I think I am just so freaked out that I will gain weight and that will be the end of the story. I will become one of those women who never lost her baby weight. I will become my Mom. My Mom has struggled with her weight most of her life. While I was growing up I think she gave into the struggle and succumbed to the fact that she will always be over weight. She has dieted on and off for years. Sometimes successfully, sometimes not. For my wedding she lost a lot of weight and looked great. Unfortunately she was not able to keep it off. Seeing her struggles frightens me. My sister is the same way. She is in a continuous battle with her waistline. So you see, it is in the genes.

I have been semi-lucky to take after my Dad while my sister is almost a mirror image of my Mom. I could eat anything I wanted until I was in my twenties. My metabolism slowed down then and I quickly found that I had to watch what I ate and if I exercise I can actually slim down my well endowed ass (have no idea were I got that, both my Mom, Dad and sister have no ass to speak of). For the past couple of years I have been an avid participant of the Zone and most recently South Beach. I think that helps to explain my early cravings of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and pizza.

I think that helps better understand why sometimes I am so weight obsessed. I don’t mean to be….I am just scared.

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I am wearing an old pair of jeans today. They fit fine…when I am standing up. When I am sitting down the waist of my old jeans, remember the days before low rise, hits me right below my belly button. This is wear my little alien has recently set up shop. Well, right below. But either way, as I sit here typing I have debated unbuttoning the top button. I would, but I am afraid that I will forget it is unbuttoned and then someone will come to talk to me and see that I have my pants unbuttoned. I think this is part of the reason maternity shirts are so long. It is so women can unbutton their pants. Regrettably, the sweater I am wearing today is not long to provide enough security that an unbuttoned button would go unnoticed. I think I will just have to spend more time standing today.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Catch-Up

I cannot believe it has been 10 days since I posted. I really need to be more dedicated to this. I bought one of those pregnancy journals. I spent way too long filling. I followedg the directions and filled in all the dates, starting in the back with my due date and working forward. I have not touched it since I did this. Some good that journal is doing me now. So, knowing I was not being a very good Mom to be, I figured if I at least wrote in this Blog I would have something to look back on.

What has happened in the past 10 days?

1. I have endured 7 monotonous, long days of work.
2. My husband has not been home before 8pm –I barely see him during the week except for sharing the bathroom in the morning.
3. According to my scale this morning I have gained 4 pounds for a total of 11.
4. Number 3 caused me to almost start crying last night while on the phone with my hubby. I need to figure out a way to deal with this better…I still have 5 months of weight gain ahead of me.
5. I played poker a couple of times but only won once.
6. I played golf – I never win and my husband always subtracts strokes while filling out the score card.
7. One day it was 87 degrees here. Unfortunately, it was a work day.
8. I was supposed to leave for Hawaii on Saturday with friends but bailed when I found out I was pregnant. The trip no longer had the same allure as before now that drinking Pina Coladas all day was no longer on my itinerary. Not to mention my pregnant ass in a bathing suit.
9. I think about my friends in Hawaii every day and wish I was there.
10. My hubby and I went to the local production of “A Chorus Line”.
11. We went to the beach and had brunch with friends.
12. My husband bought me perfume that he picked out. There is nothing better then wearing something that you know your significant other loves the smell of.
13. I went to a maternity shop.
14. I am still not wearing maternity clothes.
15. I no longer love all the catalogs that I receive in the mail. I now despise them and throw them directly into the recycle bin. There is nothing fun about looking through catalogs of cute spring clothes knowing that you cannot wear any of them.
16. My hubby has asked me almost every day if I have felt the baby yet.
17. I have not felt the baby yet.
18. I am super excited to find out if we are having a boy or a girl. (Hopefully we will find out in 2 weeks at our next ultrasound).
19. I have watched endless hours of reality TV – thank you Tivo!
20. I watched “Conception to Birth” on Discovery. I now understand better how I am going to get this baby through my pelvis – it is not going to be easy on either or us (me and alien…not me and hubby).
21. I thought about going to Yoga (maybe next week).
22. My hubby and I have agreed on a girl name. Still debating on a boy name.
23. I asked my husband not to tell everyone the name we have picked out. I am sure he will have a very hard time with this. I don’t want to know what other people think about the name we have picked out. And, what if we end up changing our minds at the last minute?
24. I have had no ‘feeling’ about whether my alien is a boy or a girl. I have not really thought about since I don’t care at all as long as he/she is healthy.
25. I found that I am addicted to Mexican food. Mostly burritos. Thinking about it, that sounds great for dinner tonight!
26. I also crave Coca-Cola (full strength, not Diet), Sour Patch Kids, Cold Stone Ice Cream, and Cheeseburgers. Notice that I am not craving anything healthy…hence the 11 pounds.
27. I packed up all of my size 6/small clothes. I bought big plastic bins at Wal-Mart so that once my clothes is in storage I will easily be able to see what is inside.
28. I am still feeling great.

Friday, March 04, 2005

How you doin'?

Every time I talk to my friends or family the first thing they ask is “how are you feeling?” I feel fine! I continue to sound redundant and tell them that I feel fine. It is nice to know that they keep asking because of concern on how I am doing.

In all honesty, I don’t feel that much different. I didn’t have any morning sickness, just slight nausea that only lasted for about a month. I was super tired in the beginning, but nothing that warranted any complaining, I just went to bed early and slept more then normal. My boobs have been sore from the beginning and this has not subsided at all. (I thought this was supposed to go away in the second trimester, but 2 weeks in and it is not letting up.) My boobs have not been unbound in 3 months. If they are not in a bra they are in a tank with a built in bra to sleep. The girls are only free in the shower and sometimes even that is too much! But when asked how I am feeling I don’t think it is appropriate to share this information. I know my friends are concerned for my well being but complaints about boob pain should probably be kept to myself!

So, after the initial shock that I was pregnant and that rough month (ok, maybe 2 months) of adjusting to not partying…not that much is different.

Physically I have been changing. My bra has gone up by one size. My pants by one size, two if I want to be comfortable. My shirt size hasn’t really changed except that I have started to wear looser tops as to hide my growing belly – lots of button downs at work; less cashmere sweaters (though I am sporting one today that my husband said looked good this morning). The bra and pant up a size combo is making me look much more filled out then before – hopefully in a sexy, curvy way!

Mentally I think I am doing ok. I still have 6 months to fully prepare for the impending changes that will come with parenthood, but on most days, this is not freaking me out. Since watching Birth Day Live I have completely avoided thinking about giving birth. I have pushed this fear way back into mental storage and have made a note not to review again until August. It is not going to do any good to obsess on this until then!

I had been warned to be prepared for hormonal out breaks. I am happy to say that I have not really experienced this – no more then usual PMS - except on those occasions that I am hungry. If I am hungry, I need to be fed ASAP. It is like I become a ravenous wild animal that has not eaten for days. I need food right away! So, if my husband says he is going to leave work in 10 minutes and he will pick me up the Boston Market that I am craving, but doesn’t leave in 10 minutes, but rather 45 minutes…not a good thing. This is the one time that I almost lost it. I was so hungry and really wanted chicken with creamed spinach on the side. Once I decided that this was what I wanted to/had to have, there was no substitute. I ended up throwing a little tantrum about how hungry I was and that it was not just me, but the fetus was hungry too. After knowing there was nothing that would make Boston Market appear before me except to wait, I calmed down. I also had sliced bananas in milk with splenda on top to help ease the monster that had temporarily taken over my body.

But, thinking about it now, I was like this before I got pregnant. My hubby knows that if I say I am hungry, food is needed before anything else.

I have a friend who reacts the same way when hungry. He went to his doctor who told him that this condition was caused by an increase in bilirubin levels. After hearing this, I looked it up to see if maybe I had the same problem and should go see my doctor. Maybe I could be treated for this. Or maybe I could get some nice medical documentation that I could show my husband that would explain my irrational behavior. All the while hoping that having some doctor jargon behind my hunger would help me get food faster in the future. Unfortunately I didn’t see “highly irritable when not fed” as one of the symptoms of increased bilirubin levels. I think I will tell my friend he needs a second opinion! But in the meantime, he takes comfort in blaming his mood swings on bilirubin.

I too, shall take comfort in the fact that I am eating for two to explain these unexplainable swings. I should be able to use this excuse for at least a year before my husband remembers that these outbreaks have nothing to do with me being pregnant!

Why I love DMB…..

In this weeks Rolling Stone the Dave Matthews Band talked to RS about their new album due out in May. This article just reiterated why I love this band so much.

Here are my favorite parts of the article:

The new studio, which sits high above a small lake, boasts a personal chef, a bar and, on this Saturday night in January, a pitcher of magic-mushroom tea in the fridge.

"This album," says Matthews, "is about love, life, God, death and sex."

"Hunger for the Great Light," with lyrics about oral sex added by Matthews, who says, "That is our most overt 'fucking' song ever." "American Baby" opens with sounds of bombs dropping, but Matthews says it is meant to be optimistic: "There is a divide in this country. That song is hoping that apple pie and lemonade, baseball and sunny-day barbecues are not going to be replaced by a 'fuck 'em all and let God sort it out' vibe."

At around 11 p.m., twenty DMB employees gather to listen to the tracks. Matthews sips red wine, Batson rolls fat joints and everyone cheers after their favorite songs. Cocktail hour stretches into Sunday morning, and Matthews joins a poker game in the garage. The album is pretty much done.

Excerpted from RS 969, March 10, 2005
“Dave Matthews Mixes It Up”
-AUSTIN SCAGGS

When I listen to DMB I can hear the red wine, the fat joints and the magic mushrooms. It is wonderful!!

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Sunshine Daydreams

It finally stopped raining today.

It actually has not been raining continuously, I mean, I do live in California. I think that is what makes the bad weather so much more intolerable to me. It isn’t supposed to rain that much here…isn’t that why we all stick around even though the cost of living is outrageous and the roads are always crowded? Anyways, it feels like it has been raining non-stop since November. But today, I don’t know if it was because I am still so happy about our positive doctor’s appointment, or what. But today was beautiful. It poured last night and today I woke up to clear skies with just a few white clouds.

I have lunch with my sister every Wednesday - it is a standing date due to the fact that she has a sucky boyfriend and the only time we get to spend together is in the middle of the day on Wednesdays. A little over a week ago she broke her right hand and has not been able to drive. (The story of how she broke it is irrelevant, ridiculous and slightly embarrassing so I will not divulge.) In order for my sis and I to have our weekly lunches I have to go pick her up. Today I actually enjoyed the drive because I actually opened my sunroof. I cannot remember the last time I opened my sunroof. The sun on the right side of my head and face felt wonderful.

Side note - I only called 2 people F-ing Idiots on the 15 minute drive. I am not one of those people who thinks I am a good driver. I am an awful driver and I hate to drive. And for some unknown reason, every time I get in the car I find myself surrounded my idiots (f-ing idiot being my name of choice). I AM one of those people who yells at F.I.'s in my car. Yes, I enjoy hearing myself give verbal assault to others who have no idea that I am swearing in my car. This needs to stop soon. I can just see my future sweet little child repeating my bad road rage language to my husband! Hubby is already on my case about my driving habits!

It is only Wednesday and I am already looking forward to the weekend. I hope the weather sticks. My husband and I made plans this morning to go over to the beach for breakfast and kicking around on Saturday. I cannot wait. I also cannot wait for warm weather. I am ready to shed the sweaters, coats, jeans and boots. I am sure I won’t be feeling the same way come July when I am 8+ months pregnant and trying to sleep in a house without air-conditioning. But right now, right this second, all I can think about is sunshine.


Sunshine daydream
Walking in the tall trees
Going where the wind goes
Blooming like a red rose
Breathing more freely
Ride out singing, I'll walk you in the morning sunshine
Sunshine daydream
Sunshine daydream
Walking in the sunshine
Grateful Dead - Sugar Magnolia

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Suburbia At Large

I was just catching up on Suburbia At Large's blog when this entry had me laughing out loud.
Even if you are not pregnant, this is pretty funny stuff!


Okay, now back to work!

Heartbeat Reassurance

We (me, hubby and baby alien) had a Doctor’s appointment yesterday and got to hear the little alien’s heartbeat. It was pretty exciting and reassuring. Besides that, the appointment was pretty normal. I pee’d in a cup and then had to get on the scale. I was dreading the scale as I kept waking myself up the night before with thoughts of being fat and having gained 10 pounds in 15 weeks. Not that reality is much better, I have gained 7. The doc says that 8 pounds is normal for where I am. I think it is just bugging me so much since I worked so hard to lose 20 pounds last year. I just have to let it go and know that I am gaining for a good reason. I was very excited that I didn’t have to give any blood. There is this girl at the lab that I am deathly afraid of. We had a few run-ins that consisted of her poking me with a needle then twisting and turning it around while in my arm, trying to find a vein.

I feel like my appointment was a success and just a day later it helped me feel like a confident pregnant women, rather then the scared and insecure one that I started out as. I spent the first 3 months totally freaked out. I guess since I didn’t expect to get pregnant so fast I hadn’t really prepared myself to what it was going to be like. I also hadn’t realized how freaked out I would be that my chances of losing this baby or something going wrong were high. I had never really considered that being 35 would make me so at-risk. I just figured that when I was ready to have a baby, hopefully everything would still work, and we would have a baby. But instead I have been bombarded with tests that I could take, the risk of Downs Syndrome and Trimsomy 18, and total fear over the mojito’s I drank in NY before I knew I was knocked up. Like I mentioned before, I really didn’t think I would get pregnant so fast and especially not on the first time out! I really thought my boobs were sore that weekend because I was getting my period. I even packed tampons! Fortunately, with every good appointment we have and every good test result that we get back, it helps me breathe a little easier and relax a little bit more.