I have spent more then 1/2 of my day watching my darling Mia on an internet tv screen that measures 5" x 4". I am currently obsessed with everything she is doing at day care. And since the screen is so darn small the only way I know that I am actually looking at her is that I know exactly what she is wearing. That, and I took an inventory of what every other kid was when I dropped her off this morning. I know I should say that I could recognize her little pea head in a mass of little pea heads…but seriously. The screen is small! But that in no way has stopped me from staring non-stop at it.
I should just go home.
Ugghhh…I just gophered (I can see my boss’ office if I stand on my tip toes and peer out of my cube) to see if my boss is still here.
He is.
Damn.
So close. I guess I will keep watching.
Friday, July 14, 2006
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
16 Things
Things I don't like about work:
1. Not with Mia
2. Getting out of bed
3. Not getting to wear pj's, sweats or shorts.
4. Public bathrooms. People, please don't make noise when you are using a publicly shared restroom, it really freaks me out. And ALWAYS wash your hands - that is just lazy and gross.
5. Have to use comprehensive / complete sentences - no baby talk
6. Traffic / driving
7. Being on time - I am never on time....ughhhhhh
8. Having to actually work
Things I like about work:
1. Getting paid
2. Air conditioning
3. Did I mention the paycheck?
4. Social interaction
5. Lunch
6. Getting paid for staying home - thank you 4th of July holiday for falling on a Tuesday!
7. Playing hooky (see cute pictures of Mia at the beach....taken on a Monday!)
8. Sense of empowerment, accomplishment and use of brain
I threw that last one in just because I felt like I should. There is no great sense of achievement then watching your little one learn something new.
1. Not with Mia
2. Getting out of bed
3. Not getting to wear pj's, sweats or shorts.
4. Public bathrooms. People, please don't make noise when you are using a publicly shared restroom, it really freaks me out. And ALWAYS wash your hands - that is just lazy and gross.
5. Have to use comprehensive / complete sentences - no baby talk
6. Traffic / driving
7. Being on time - I am never on time....ughhhhhh
8. Having to actually work
Things I like about work:
1. Getting paid
2. Air conditioning
3. Did I mention the paycheck?
4. Social interaction
5. Lunch
6. Getting paid for staying home - thank you 4th of July holiday for falling on a Tuesday!
7. Playing hooky (see cute pictures of Mia at the beach....taken on a Monday!)
8. Sense of empowerment, accomplishment and use of brain
I threw that last one in just because I felt like I should. There is no great sense of achievement then watching your little one learn something new.
Friday, June 23, 2006
Undestroyed
Gosh, for the length of time that has passed since I last posted you would think that going back to work killed – well, that is a little harsh – how about, absolute destroyed me.
Well, it didn’t.
I had myself so freaked out about going back to work that the drama I had created in my head was 100 times worse than anything I have encountered since I have been back.
I don’t know if this makes me a bad Mom, but the transition back was not that difficult. (That is easy to say 6 months later.) I didn’t cry when I dropped Mia off at daycare. Though, I did cry driving there one day. Mia adjusted extremely well. She didn’t cry and to this day has only cried l a handful of times when I have left her. Mia is having a blast there and I feel that she is probably way more stimulated then she is when she is / was home with me. Napping together = not very stimulating.
The most difficult thing about returning to work has been the pure exhaustion. Mia has been a very easy baby. She started sleeping through the night at around 4 months and logs a solid 9-10 hours every night. I was never that tired during my 6 months of maternity leave. Sure, at first I was up every 1-2 hours but I didn’t mind at all. I actually enjoyed snuggling and breastfeeding her during the night. I fondly remember those times. But the exhaustion of work was something that I was not expecting. I no longer have time to during the day to do laundry, dishes, grocery shopping. All of those things need to get done outside of the 9-5. And after not seeing Mia all day the last thing I want to do during the precious hours that I have with her is chores. So I come home and spend the time until Mia goes to bed with Mia. We play, eat, bath, snuggle and laugh. It is my favorite time. Mia goes down by 9pm and that is when I start doing all of the things that need to be done. I do an obscene amount of dishes (read - bottles). And an equally obscene amount of pink and white laundry (read – not mine or Rich’s). And somewhere in-between that I try to spend time with my husband, with myself and with the tv/computer/magazine.
I miss Mia lots during the day but having her at the daycare center at work allows me to visit her when it gets really bad. And, I still have days where I spend more time watching her on camera then getting any work done.
But, all in all, we are all doing great and were not destroyed by any of it.
Well, it didn’t.
I had myself so freaked out about going back to work that the drama I had created in my head was 100 times worse than anything I have encountered since I have been back.
I don’t know if this makes me a bad Mom, but the transition back was not that difficult. (That is easy to say 6 months later.) I didn’t cry when I dropped Mia off at daycare. Though, I did cry driving there one day. Mia adjusted extremely well. She didn’t cry and to this day has only cried l a handful of times when I have left her. Mia is having a blast there and I feel that she is probably way more stimulated then she is when she is / was home with me. Napping together = not very stimulating.
The most difficult thing about returning to work has been the pure exhaustion. Mia has been a very easy baby. She started sleeping through the night at around 4 months and logs a solid 9-10 hours every night. I was never that tired during my 6 months of maternity leave. Sure, at first I was up every 1-2 hours but I didn’t mind at all. I actually enjoyed snuggling and breastfeeding her during the night. I fondly remember those times. But the exhaustion of work was something that I was not expecting. I no longer have time to during the day to do laundry, dishes, grocery shopping. All of those things need to get done outside of the 9-5. And after not seeing Mia all day the last thing I want to do during the precious hours that I have with her is chores. So I come home and spend the time until Mia goes to bed with Mia. We play, eat, bath, snuggle and laugh. It is my favorite time. Mia goes down by 9pm and that is when I start doing all of the things that need to be done. I do an obscene amount of dishes (read - bottles). And an equally obscene amount of pink and white laundry (read – not mine or Rich’s). And somewhere in-between that I try to spend time with my husband, with myself and with the tv/computer/magazine.
I miss Mia lots during the day but having her at the daycare center at work allows me to visit her when it gets really bad. And, I still have days where I spend more time watching her on camera then getting any work done.
But, all in all, we are all doing great and were not destroyed by any of it.
Saturday, January 14, 2006
Obsession
I am obsessed with going back to work.
It is ruining the rest of the time that I still have off.
I cannot stop obsessing.
I am devastated with the fact that I am sending Mia to daycare. Even though millions of millions of women have done it before me….and even though millions of millions of children have not only survived, but thrived, at daycare.
It is not that I fear that something will happen to Mia while she is at daycare. It is not that I think the women who will be caring for her will not do an excellent job. (Of course not as good of a job as I would do, but a good job none the less.)
My fear lies in the fact that someone else will be getting Mia’s attention. I am the center of her universe and I love that role. I don’t want to share Mia! But in 2 weeks I will be allowing (and paying!) someone else to be the center of her world from 9-5, Monday – Friday.
I fear how much I am going to miss her. I still get up nightly to go and check on her. Not only to see if she is ok but also to just be in her presence. Just to be near her. Just to watch how peaceful she sleeps and how beautiful she looks.
And I fear someone else getting to see her firsts.
What if she starts walking at daycare?
She still has not rolled over. Is that going to happen while she is there? And what about crawling? Will she take her first little scoots in the presence of someone else? And teeth and words and laughs and that surprised look she gets when she discovers something new.
I might not be there.
And it is breaking my heart.
It is ruining the rest of the time that I still have off.
I cannot stop obsessing.
I am devastated with the fact that I am sending Mia to daycare. Even though millions of millions of women have done it before me….and even though millions of millions of children have not only survived, but thrived, at daycare.
It is not that I fear that something will happen to Mia while she is at daycare. It is not that I think the women who will be caring for her will not do an excellent job. (Of course not as good of a job as I would do, but a good job none the less.)
My fear lies in the fact that someone else will be getting Mia’s attention. I am the center of her universe and I love that role. I don’t want to share Mia! But in 2 weeks I will be allowing (and paying!) someone else to be the center of her world from 9-5, Monday – Friday.
I fear how much I am going to miss her. I still get up nightly to go and check on her. Not only to see if she is ok but also to just be in her presence. Just to be near her. Just to watch how peaceful she sleeps and how beautiful she looks.
And I fear someone else getting to see her firsts.
What if she starts walking at daycare?
She still has not rolled over. Is that going to happen while she is there? And what about crawling? Will she take her first little scoots in the presence of someone else? And teeth and words and laughs and that surprised look she gets when she discovers something new.
I might not be there.
And it is breaking my heart.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Peas
Sweet Peas
I call her Sweet Peas or Peas for short.
Rich snapped this picture because Mia looked so content sleeping with her favorite toy (Cheddar the horse - named by Rich, not Mia), the bobby and my pj top. She was in our bed (see that small space, that is where I was) with Mommy and Daddy.
All of her favorite things in one small, happy, warm space.
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Oh Poop
While changing Mia’s diaper this morning I found myself thinking about how many times she had pee’d or pooped on me when she was a newborn. Not that is was just me she was expelling on. She got my husband numerous times and even a couple of nurses at the hospital.
We went thru a lot of diapers back then.
This morning, while we were going through our routine, I was so proud thinking that I knew her cues and could tell if she was going to try and catch me off guard. Besides her occasional peeing in the bath (which is totally understandable, water just does that to you) we had been doing pretty well.
But then we left the house.
How come the worse accidents always happen when you are away from home?
Rich and I were out running errands and had just pulled into the parking lot at Home Depot. I was pulling Mia out of her carseat and gave a sniff. She smelled a little poopy but nothing all too bad. I just figured I would change her while Rich took way too long looking for whatever it was that he needed. As I lifted her out of her carseat all hell broke lose.
Poop everywhere!
I don’t know if there was a lift / poop combination that made it all so bad but something definitely happened at just the perfect time. As I hugged her close to make the move from car to stroller my hand landed on her gushy little bum that had minutes before been covered in cute little sweatpants that said “pretty” on the bum. (She is only 5 months old, she can get away with this!) I have no idea what came out of my mouth but Rich looked at me and started laughing. I had poop on my hand and Mia had poop coming out of her left pant leg. Still laughing, Rich asked me if I just wanted to go home since he could tell I had a mess on my hands (literally). I told him there was no way I was going to put her back in her carseat like that and that I would just clean her up in the store. By now Rich was totally cracking up and he say “well, maybe you should look down before you decide”. I looked down to see split pea soup looking poop all the way down the front of my shirt. My sweat shirt and pants had also been victimized. It was way too funny. Little Mia was just cracking up since by now I was laughing along with Rich. When you are covered in poop this is just nothing you can do but laugh!
The funniest thing about all this was……
1. It was not the first time that Mia has ruined an outfit while were out. I have learned that it is easier to carry an extra ‘sleep and play’ (one of those one piece outfits with feet) then to carry a spare shirt, pants and socks. She always seems to get the socks. I felt like an awful Mom last time this happened and I ended up wheeling Mia though the mall pant-less and with no socks on her little feet. Yeah, I had first time Mom written all over me that day!
2. I had layered my t-shirts that morning. I never do that. So fortunately for me I was able to peel off the stinky top layer to a fresh tee underneath.
And
3. I was silly enough to think it had been a while since I had been pooped on.
We went thru a lot of diapers back then.
This morning, while we were going through our routine, I was so proud thinking that I knew her cues and could tell if she was going to try and catch me off guard. Besides her occasional peeing in the bath (which is totally understandable, water just does that to you) we had been doing pretty well.
But then we left the house.
How come the worse accidents always happen when you are away from home?
Rich and I were out running errands and had just pulled into the parking lot at Home Depot. I was pulling Mia out of her carseat and gave a sniff. She smelled a little poopy but nothing all too bad. I just figured I would change her while Rich took way too long looking for whatever it was that he needed. As I lifted her out of her carseat all hell broke lose.
Poop everywhere!
I don’t know if there was a lift / poop combination that made it all so bad but something definitely happened at just the perfect time. As I hugged her close to make the move from car to stroller my hand landed on her gushy little bum that had minutes before been covered in cute little sweatpants that said “pretty” on the bum. (She is only 5 months old, she can get away with this!) I have no idea what came out of my mouth but Rich looked at me and started laughing. I had poop on my hand and Mia had poop coming out of her left pant leg. Still laughing, Rich asked me if I just wanted to go home since he could tell I had a mess on my hands (literally). I told him there was no way I was going to put her back in her carseat like that and that I would just clean her up in the store. By now Rich was totally cracking up and he say “well, maybe you should look down before you decide”. I looked down to see split pea soup looking poop all the way down the front of my shirt. My sweat shirt and pants had also been victimized. It was way too funny. Little Mia was just cracking up since by now I was laughing along with Rich. When you are covered in poop this is just nothing you can do but laugh!
The funniest thing about all this was……
1. It was not the first time that Mia has ruined an outfit while were out. I have learned that it is easier to carry an extra ‘sleep and play’ (one of those one piece outfits with feet) then to carry a spare shirt, pants and socks. She always seems to get the socks. I felt like an awful Mom last time this happened and I ended up wheeling Mia though the mall pant-less and with no socks on her little feet. Yeah, I had first time Mom written all over me that day!
2. I had layered my t-shirts that morning. I never do that. So fortunately for me I was able to peel off the stinky top layer to a fresh tee underneath.
And
3. I was silly enough to think it had been a while since I had been pooped on.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Teeth
I think Mia has started teething.
Either that or she has some weird urge to chomp on everything that comes near her mouth (mostly my fingers) and can no longer hold in saliva.
I don't know how I will know if she is truly teething.
I asked my Mom, I asked the one friend that I have that also has kids.
They both said - "You will know".
I asked my pediatrician.
She said that drooling was the first sign of teething but that it could take months for a tooth to finally appear.
I researched on line.
I found out that she could have been born with teeth (early bloomer) or it could take a year (late bloomer) for teeth to come in.
So, I guess that once Mia starts wailing or the drooling/chewing gets significantly worse - I will know. Either that or I will be super lucky and one day my beautiful baby girl will open her mouth and there a tooth will be. Dreaming....I know!
Either that or she has some weird urge to chomp on everything that comes near her mouth (mostly my fingers) and can no longer hold in saliva.
I don't know how I will know if she is truly teething.
I asked my Mom, I asked the one friend that I have that also has kids.
They both said - "You will know".
I asked my pediatrician.
She said that drooling was the first sign of teething but that it could take months for a tooth to finally appear.
I researched on line.
I found out that she could have been born with teeth (early bloomer) or it could take a year (late bloomer) for teeth to come in.
So, I guess that once Mia starts wailing or the drooling/chewing gets significantly worse - I will know. Either that or I will be super lucky and one day my beautiful baby girl will open her mouth and there a tooth will be. Dreaming....I know!
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
The Countdown
Lying in bed this morning after our normal routine of eat & let Mommy get a little more sleep, I could not help staring at Mia and thinking that I only have a month left of this awesome early morning ritual.
Going back to work is totally going to suck!
I know all of my friends / co-workers are probably laughing at me with an 'I told you so' chuckle. You know, all the ones that I told "oh, I am not going to have any problem going back to work, I will be so ready and in need of some adult interaction". Ha ha ha. I am laughing at myself now.
I never realized the power of child.
The power that a 12 pound gurgling little girl would hold over me. That she would use smiles, laughs, drools, giggles, grabs, hugs and did I say smiles to constantly pull at my heart and remind me that I must be the luckiest person in the whole world.
Who needs adult interaction when you have all of this?
Going back to work is totally going to suck!
I know all of my friends / co-workers are probably laughing at me with an 'I told you so' chuckle. You know, all the ones that I told "oh, I am not going to have any problem going back to work, I will be so ready and in need of some adult interaction". Ha ha ha. I am laughing at myself now.
I never realized the power of child.
The power that a 12 pound gurgling little girl would hold over me. That she would use smiles, laughs, drools, giggles, grabs, hugs and did I say smiles to constantly pull at my heart and remind me that I must be the luckiest person in the whole world.
Who needs adult interaction when you have all of this?
Monday, December 26, 2005
Monday, May 16, 2005
Gene Pool
I spent my Saturday at a birthday party for a 1 year old. What happens at a 1 year old birthday party? Not much. At this age I think the party is really for the parents. A kind of celebration that they kept this little creature alive for one year and that they in turn survived.
I am not much into kiddie parties. We don’t have many friends who have kids and I have never been one of those oohhh-ing and awww-ing kinds of people. Actually, I normally run the other direction when I see babies/kids. I have been working on this and hope that I have much more maternal instinct when the baby/kid belongs to me. Anyway, what I noticed at this party, and not quiet sure why I had not noticed before, is how much little kids really look like their mom and dads. They are little morphs of both parents. Exactly like they do in Star magazine every week. You know, this is what Demi and Ashton’s baby will look like. I guess I noticed this cause I am super curious about what our little alien is going to look like. Which parts of me and which parts of Rich are going to end up in her? And how was that all decided? Did my gene pool and Rich’s gene pool duke it out with Rich’s eyes beating mine in the final round? Let’s hope that his height gene kicked my height gene ass!
I am not much into kiddie parties. We don’t have many friends who have kids and I have never been one of those oohhh-ing and awww-ing kinds of people. Actually, I normally run the other direction when I see babies/kids. I have been working on this and hope that I have much more maternal instinct when the baby/kid belongs to me. Anyway, what I noticed at this party, and not quiet sure why I had not noticed before, is how much little kids really look like their mom and dads. They are little morphs of both parents. Exactly like they do in Star magazine every week. You know, this is what Demi and Ashton’s baby will look like. I guess I noticed this cause I am super curious about what our little alien is going to look like. Which parts of me and which parts of Rich are going to end up in her? And how was that all decided? Did my gene pool and Rich’s gene pool duke it out with Rich’s eyes beating mine in the final round? Let’s hope that his height gene kicked my height gene ass!
Saturday, May 14, 2005
26 weeks = No sleep and freaking out
I just watched Blue Crush again for probably my 10th time. I don’t know why I like this movie so much but every time I see it on the TV menu I can’t help but flip to it. And it is 9am on a Saturday morning.
First of all, what am I doing up this early? I am officially 26 weeks pregnant and can no longer sleep at night. I go about two nights of not sleeping and then am so tired on the third night that I finally get some rest. I think this was night number two so tonight should be my lucky night. Rich is in Cancun for a bachelor party so I have been sleeping in the middle of the bed surrounded by pillows. Even that is not helping. And, I have all of a sudden become a hot sleeper. I am normally a cold sleeper, someone who always uses blankets. Not any more. I actually sweat at night. How gross is that?
It has been forever since I wrote. A lot has happened in the last eight weeks. We found out that we are having a girl. Rich was totally shocked. He was so convinced that we were having a boy. After the tech left and the doctor came in I had to ask her to double check the sex because my husband needed more ‘proof’ that our baby was actually a girl. The doctor was really good and showed my husband the markers that they look for and let him take a good hard look at the missing scrotum and 2 markers that showed that we are having a girl. Our little alien was very cooperative for the camera and definitely showed her stuff. Guess she knew that Daddy needed as much time as possible to prepare for the fact that he is having a girl.
On the topic of Rich - he came home the other day totally freaked out. It had just finally hit him that we are having a kid. He told me that he just finally realized how permenant all this was. He said that it hit him that he could get rid of me (to which I said…you are getting rid of me?) but that this thing we were doing, this life we had created, would be ours forever. Definitely qualifies as a freak out moment.
Me, on the other hand, I don’t think I have stopped freaking out since we found out we were pregnant. Lately what has really been freaking out is how much our life is changing. I say IS because it already has. Rich and I have been together for 10 years. We got together in May of 1995 so we just hit our 10 year anniversary. By the time little alien comes we will have been married 4 years. That is a lot of time of just Kris and Rich. The last 10 years we have spoiled ourselves and our relationship. We have traveled a ton, partied even more and pretty much have done whatever we wanted to do. We tend to be irresponsible with our finances buying things on whims. I value my independence but gave that up in a heartbeat for Rich. I became a We. Our We is about to change and become a She. I am just worried about our We. I love our We and don’t want that to change. I know it will, but I am hoping that Rich and I are smart and are able to care for, love, raise our She, while at the same time nurturing our We.
First of all, what am I doing up this early? I am officially 26 weeks pregnant and can no longer sleep at night. I go about two nights of not sleeping and then am so tired on the third night that I finally get some rest. I think this was night number two so tonight should be my lucky night. Rich is in Cancun for a bachelor party so I have been sleeping in the middle of the bed surrounded by pillows. Even that is not helping. And, I have all of a sudden become a hot sleeper. I am normally a cold sleeper, someone who always uses blankets. Not any more. I actually sweat at night. How gross is that?
It has been forever since I wrote. A lot has happened in the last eight weeks. We found out that we are having a girl. Rich was totally shocked. He was so convinced that we were having a boy. After the tech left and the doctor came in I had to ask her to double check the sex because my husband needed more ‘proof’ that our baby was actually a girl. The doctor was really good and showed my husband the markers that they look for and let him take a good hard look at the missing scrotum and 2 markers that showed that we are having a girl. Our little alien was very cooperative for the camera and definitely showed her stuff. Guess she knew that Daddy needed as much time as possible to prepare for the fact that he is having a girl.
On the topic of Rich - he came home the other day totally freaked out. It had just finally hit him that we are having a kid. He told me that he just finally realized how permenant all this was. He said that it hit him that he could get rid of me (to which I said…you are getting rid of me?) but that this thing we were doing, this life we had created, would be ours forever. Definitely qualifies as a freak out moment.
Me, on the other hand, I don’t think I have stopped freaking out since we found out we were pregnant. Lately what has really been freaking out is how much our life is changing. I say IS because it already has. Rich and I have been together for 10 years. We got together in May of 1995 so we just hit our 10 year anniversary. By the time little alien comes we will have been married 4 years. That is a lot of time of just Kris and Rich. The last 10 years we have spoiled ourselves and our relationship. We have traveled a ton, partied even more and pretty much have done whatever we wanted to do. We tend to be irresponsible with our finances buying things on whims. I value my independence but gave that up in a heartbeat for Rich. I became a We. Our We is about to change and become a She. I am just worried about our We. I love our We and don’t want that to change. I know it will, but I am hoping that Rich and I are smart and are able to care for, love, raise our She, while at the same time nurturing our We.
Friday, March 18, 2005
Genetics
It is raining here …. Again.
I am not going to let it get me down because I am just so happy that it is Friday.
My week went by fast. Except for my near breakdown over not fitting into any of my clothes on Monday, everything was great. I went through my closet again and was able to put together ok outfits for the rest of the week. I think I was so upset on Monday because everything I am wearing makes me feel ugly. I know a lot of pregnant women say the feel/look beautiful when they are pregnant. I am just not there. I still don’t look pregnant, not that I am complaining, but I wonder if people are whispering about how much weight I have gained. One day my tummy will pop out and there will be just no more hiding them. Then I will walk around going…see, I wasn’t just getting fat - followed by an evil internal laugh.
Not that I should care.
But I do.
I think I am just so freaked out that I will gain weight and that will be the end of the story. I will become one of those women who never lost her baby weight. I will become my Mom. My Mom has struggled with her weight most of her life. While I was growing up I think she gave into the struggle and succumbed to the fact that she will always be over weight. She has dieted on and off for years. Sometimes successfully, sometimes not. For my wedding she lost a lot of weight and looked great. Unfortunately she was not able to keep it off. Seeing her struggles frightens me. My sister is the same way. She is in a continuous battle with her waistline. So you see, it is in the genes.
I have been semi-lucky to take after my Dad while my sister is almost a mirror image of my Mom. I could eat anything I wanted until I was in my twenties. My metabolism slowed down then and I quickly found that I had to watch what I ate and if I exercise I can actually slim down my well endowed ass (have no idea were I got that, both my Mom, Dad and sister have no ass to speak of). For the past couple of years I have been an avid participant of the Zone and most recently South Beach. I think that helps to explain my early cravings of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and pizza.
I think that helps better understand why sometimes I am so weight obsessed. I don’t mean to be….I am just scared.
**********************************************************************************
I am wearing an old pair of jeans today. They fit fine…when I am standing up. When I am sitting down the waist of my old jeans, remember the days before low rise, hits me right below my belly button. This is wear my little alien has recently set up shop. Well, right below. But either way, as I sit here typing I have debated unbuttoning the top button. I would, but I am afraid that I will forget it is unbuttoned and then someone will come to talk to me and see that I have my pants unbuttoned. I think this is part of the reason maternity shirts are so long. It is so women can unbutton their pants. Regrettably, the sweater I am wearing today is not long to provide enough security that an unbuttoned button would go unnoticed. I think I will just have to spend more time standing today.
I am not going to let it get me down because I am just so happy that it is Friday.
My week went by fast. Except for my near breakdown over not fitting into any of my clothes on Monday, everything was great. I went through my closet again and was able to put together ok outfits for the rest of the week. I think I was so upset on Monday because everything I am wearing makes me feel ugly. I know a lot of pregnant women say the feel/look beautiful when they are pregnant. I am just not there. I still don’t look pregnant, not that I am complaining, but I wonder if people are whispering about how much weight I have gained. One day my tummy will pop out and there will be just no more hiding them. Then I will walk around going…see, I wasn’t just getting fat - followed by an evil internal laugh.
Not that I should care.
But I do.
I think I am just so freaked out that I will gain weight and that will be the end of the story. I will become one of those women who never lost her baby weight. I will become my Mom. My Mom has struggled with her weight most of her life. While I was growing up I think she gave into the struggle and succumbed to the fact that she will always be over weight. She has dieted on and off for years. Sometimes successfully, sometimes not. For my wedding she lost a lot of weight and looked great. Unfortunately she was not able to keep it off. Seeing her struggles frightens me. My sister is the same way. She is in a continuous battle with her waistline. So you see, it is in the genes.
I have been semi-lucky to take after my Dad while my sister is almost a mirror image of my Mom. I could eat anything I wanted until I was in my twenties. My metabolism slowed down then and I quickly found that I had to watch what I ate and if I exercise I can actually slim down my well endowed ass (have no idea were I got that, both my Mom, Dad and sister have no ass to speak of). For the past couple of years I have been an avid participant of the Zone and most recently South Beach. I think that helps to explain my early cravings of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and pizza.
I think that helps better understand why sometimes I am so weight obsessed. I don’t mean to be….I am just scared.
**********************************************************************************
I am wearing an old pair of jeans today. They fit fine…when I am standing up. When I am sitting down the waist of my old jeans, remember the days before low rise, hits me right below my belly button. This is wear my little alien has recently set up shop. Well, right below. But either way, as I sit here typing I have debated unbuttoning the top button. I would, but I am afraid that I will forget it is unbuttoned and then someone will come to talk to me and see that I have my pants unbuttoned. I think this is part of the reason maternity shirts are so long. It is so women can unbutton their pants. Regrettably, the sweater I am wearing today is not long to provide enough security that an unbuttoned button would go unnoticed. I think I will just have to spend more time standing today.
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Catch-Up
I cannot believe it has been 10 days since I posted. I really need to be more dedicated to this. I bought one of those pregnancy journals. I spent way too long filling. I followedg the directions and filled in all the dates, starting in the back with my due date and working forward. I have not touched it since I did this. Some good that journal is doing me now. So, knowing I was not being a very good Mom to be, I figured if I at least wrote in this Blog I would have something to look back on.
What has happened in the past 10 days?
1. I have endured 7 monotonous, long days of work.
2. My husband has not been home before 8pm –I barely see him during the week except for sharing the bathroom in the morning.
3. According to my scale this morning I have gained 4 pounds for a total of 11.
4. Number 3 caused me to almost start crying last night while on the phone with my hubby. I need to figure out a way to deal with this better…I still have 5 months of weight gain ahead of me.
5. I played poker a couple of times but only won once.
6. I played golf – I never win and my husband always subtracts strokes while filling out the score card.
7. One day it was 87 degrees here. Unfortunately, it was a work day.
8. I was supposed to leave for Hawaii on Saturday with friends but bailed when I found out I was pregnant. The trip no longer had the same allure as before now that drinking Pina Coladas all day was no longer on my itinerary. Not to mention my pregnant ass in a bathing suit.
9. I think about my friends in Hawaii every day and wish I was there.
10. My hubby and I went to the local production of “A Chorus Line”.
11. We went to the beach and had brunch with friends.
12. My husband bought me perfume that he picked out. There is nothing better then wearing something that you know your significant other loves the smell of.
13. I went to a maternity shop.
14. I am still not wearing maternity clothes.
15. I no longer love all the catalogs that I receive in the mail. I now despise them and throw them directly into the recycle bin. There is nothing fun about looking through catalogs of cute spring clothes knowing that you cannot wear any of them.
16. My hubby has asked me almost every day if I have felt the baby yet.
17. I have not felt the baby yet.
18. I am super excited to find out if we are having a boy or a girl. (Hopefully we will find out in 2 weeks at our next ultrasound).
19. I have watched endless hours of reality TV – thank you Tivo!
20. I watched “Conception to Birth” on Discovery. I now understand better how I am going to get this baby through my pelvis – it is not going to be easy on either or us (me and alien…not me and hubby).
21. I thought about going to Yoga (maybe next week).
22. My hubby and I have agreed on a girl name. Still debating on a boy name.
23. I asked my husband not to tell everyone the name we have picked out. I am sure he will have a very hard time with this. I don’t want to know what other people think about the name we have picked out. And, what if we end up changing our minds at the last minute?
24. I have had no ‘feeling’ about whether my alien is a boy or a girl. I have not really thought about since I don’t care at all as long as he/she is healthy.
25. I found that I am addicted to Mexican food. Mostly burritos. Thinking about it, that sounds great for dinner tonight!
26. I also crave Coca-Cola (full strength, not Diet), Sour Patch Kids, Cold Stone Ice Cream, and Cheeseburgers. Notice that I am not craving anything healthy…hence the 11 pounds.
27. I packed up all of my size 6/small clothes. I bought big plastic bins at Wal-Mart so that once my clothes is in storage I will easily be able to see what is inside.
28. I am still feeling great.
What has happened in the past 10 days?
1. I have endured 7 monotonous, long days of work.
2. My husband has not been home before 8pm –I barely see him during the week except for sharing the bathroom in the morning.
3. According to my scale this morning I have gained 4 pounds for a total of 11.
4. Number 3 caused me to almost start crying last night while on the phone with my hubby. I need to figure out a way to deal with this better…I still have 5 months of weight gain ahead of me.
5. I played poker a couple of times but only won once.
6. I played golf – I never win and my husband always subtracts strokes while filling out the score card.
7. One day it was 87 degrees here. Unfortunately, it was a work day.
8. I was supposed to leave for Hawaii on Saturday with friends but bailed when I found out I was pregnant. The trip no longer had the same allure as before now that drinking Pina Coladas all day was no longer on my itinerary. Not to mention my pregnant ass in a bathing suit.
9. I think about my friends in Hawaii every day and wish I was there.
10. My hubby and I went to the local production of “A Chorus Line”.
11. We went to the beach and had brunch with friends.
12. My husband bought me perfume that he picked out. There is nothing better then wearing something that you know your significant other loves the smell of.
13. I went to a maternity shop.
14. I am still not wearing maternity clothes.
15. I no longer love all the catalogs that I receive in the mail. I now despise them and throw them directly into the recycle bin. There is nothing fun about looking through catalogs of cute spring clothes knowing that you cannot wear any of them.
16. My hubby has asked me almost every day if I have felt the baby yet.
17. I have not felt the baby yet.
18. I am super excited to find out if we are having a boy or a girl. (Hopefully we will find out in 2 weeks at our next ultrasound).
19. I have watched endless hours of reality TV – thank you Tivo!
20. I watched “Conception to Birth” on Discovery. I now understand better how I am going to get this baby through my pelvis – it is not going to be easy on either or us (me and alien…not me and hubby).
21. I thought about going to Yoga (maybe next week).
22. My hubby and I have agreed on a girl name. Still debating on a boy name.
23. I asked my husband not to tell everyone the name we have picked out. I am sure he will have a very hard time with this. I don’t want to know what other people think about the name we have picked out. And, what if we end up changing our minds at the last minute?
24. I have had no ‘feeling’ about whether my alien is a boy or a girl. I have not really thought about since I don’t care at all as long as he/she is healthy.
25. I found that I am addicted to Mexican food. Mostly burritos. Thinking about it, that sounds great for dinner tonight!
26. I also crave Coca-Cola (full strength, not Diet), Sour Patch Kids, Cold Stone Ice Cream, and Cheeseburgers. Notice that I am not craving anything healthy…hence the 11 pounds.
27. I packed up all of my size 6/small clothes. I bought big plastic bins at Wal-Mart so that once my clothes is in storage I will easily be able to see what is inside.
28. I am still feeling great.
Friday, March 04, 2005
How you doin'?
Every time I talk to my friends or family the first thing they ask is “how are you feeling?” I feel fine! I continue to sound redundant and tell them that I feel fine. It is nice to know that they keep asking because of concern on how I am doing.
In all honesty, I don’t feel that much different. I didn’t have any morning sickness, just slight nausea that only lasted for about a month. I was super tired in the beginning, but nothing that warranted any complaining, I just went to bed early and slept more then normal. My boobs have been sore from the beginning and this has not subsided at all. (I thought this was supposed to go away in the second trimester, but 2 weeks in and it is not letting up.) My boobs have not been unbound in 3 months. If they are not in a bra they are in a tank with a built in bra to sleep. The girls are only free in the shower and sometimes even that is too much! But when asked how I am feeling I don’t think it is appropriate to share this information. I know my friends are concerned for my well being but complaints about boob pain should probably be kept to myself!
So, after the initial shock that I was pregnant and that rough month (ok, maybe 2 months) of adjusting to not partying…not that much is different.
Physically I have been changing. My bra has gone up by one size. My pants by one size, two if I want to be comfortable. My shirt size hasn’t really changed except that I have started to wear looser tops as to hide my growing belly – lots of button downs at work; less cashmere sweaters (though I am sporting one today that my husband said looked good this morning). The bra and pant up a size combo is making me look much more filled out then before – hopefully in a sexy, curvy way!
Mentally I think I am doing ok. I still have 6 months to fully prepare for the impending changes that will come with parenthood, but on most days, this is not freaking me out. Since watching Birth Day Live I have completely avoided thinking about giving birth. I have pushed this fear way back into mental storage and have made a note not to review again until August. It is not going to do any good to obsess on this until then!
I had been warned to be prepared for hormonal out breaks. I am happy to say that I have not really experienced this – no more then usual PMS - except on those occasions that I am hungry. If I am hungry, I need to be fed ASAP. It is like I become a ravenous wild animal that has not eaten for days. I need food right away! So, if my husband says he is going to leave work in 10 minutes and he will pick me up the Boston Market that I am craving, but doesn’t leave in 10 minutes, but rather 45 minutes…not a good thing. This is the one time that I almost lost it. I was so hungry and really wanted chicken with creamed spinach on the side. Once I decided that this was what I wanted to/had to have, there was no substitute. I ended up throwing a little tantrum about how hungry I was and that it was not just me, but the fetus was hungry too. After knowing there was nothing that would make Boston Market appear before me except to wait, I calmed down. I also had sliced bananas in milk with splenda on top to help ease the monster that had temporarily taken over my body.
But, thinking about it now, I was like this before I got pregnant. My hubby knows that if I say I am hungry, food is needed before anything else.
I have a friend who reacts the same way when hungry. He went to his doctor who told him that this condition was caused by an increase in bilirubin levels. After hearing this, I looked it up to see if maybe I had the same problem and should go see my doctor. Maybe I could be treated for this. Or maybe I could get some nice medical documentation that I could show my husband that would explain my irrational behavior. All the while hoping that having some doctor jargon behind my hunger would help me get food faster in the future. Unfortunately I didn’t see “highly irritable when not fed” as one of the symptoms of increased bilirubin levels. I think I will tell my friend he needs a second opinion! But in the meantime, he takes comfort in blaming his mood swings on bilirubin.
I too, shall take comfort in the fact that I am eating for two to explain these unexplainable swings. I should be able to use this excuse for at least a year before my husband remembers that these outbreaks have nothing to do with me being pregnant!
In all honesty, I don’t feel that much different. I didn’t have any morning sickness, just slight nausea that only lasted for about a month. I was super tired in the beginning, but nothing that warranted any complaining, I just went to bed early and slept more then normal. My boobs have been sore from the beginning and this has not subsided at all. (I thought this was supposed to go away in the second trimester, but 2 weeks in and it is not letting up.) My boobs have not been unbound in 3 months. If they are not in a bra they are in a tank with a built in bra to sleep. The girls are only free in the shower and sometimes even that is too much! But when asked how I am feeling I don’t think it is appropriate to share this information. I know my friends are concerned for my well being but complaints about boob pain should probably be kept to myself!
So, after the initial shock that I was pregnant and that rough month (ok, maybe 2 months) of adjusting to not partying…not that much is different.
Physically I have been changing. My bra has gone up by one size. My pants by one size, two if I want to be comfortable. My shirt size hasn’t really changed except that I have started to wear looser tops as to hide my growing belly – lots of button downs at work; less cashmere sweaters (though I am sporting one today that my husband said looked good this morning). The bra and pant up a size combo is making me look much more filled out then before – hopefully in a sexy, curvy way!
Mentally I think I am doing ok. I still have 6 months to fully prepare for the impending changes that will come with parenthood, but on most days, this is not freaking me out. Since watching Birth Day Live I have completely avoided thinking about giving birth. I have pushed this fear way back into mental storage and have made a note not to review again until August. It is not going to do any good to obsess on this until then!
I had been warned to be prepared for hormonal out breaks. I am happy to say that I have not really experienced this – no more then usual PMS - except on those occasions that I am hungry. If I am hungry, I need to be fed ASAP. It is like I become a ravenous wild animal that has not eaten for days. I need food right away! So, if my husband says he is going to leave work in 10 minutes and he will pick me up the Boston Market that I am craving, but doesn’t leave in 10 minutes, but rather 45 minutes…not a good thing. This is the one time that I almost lost it. I was so hungry and really wanted chicken with creamed spinach on the side. Once I decided that this was what I wanted to/had to have, there was no substitute. I ended up throwing a little tantrum about how hungry I was and that it was not just me, but the fetus was hungry too. After knowing there was nothing that would make Boston Market appear before me except to wait, I calmed down. I also had sliced bananas in milk with splenda on top to help ease the monster that had temporarily taken over my body.
But, thinking about it now, I was like this before I got pregnant. My hubby knows that if I say I am hungry, food is needed before anything else.
I have a friend who reacts the same way when hungry. He went to his doctor who told him that this condition was caused by an increase in bilirubin levels. After hearing this, I looked it up to see if maybe I had the same problem and should go see my doctor. Maybe I could be treated for this. Or maybe I could get some nice medical documentation that I could show my husband that would explain my irrational behavior. All the while hoping that having some doctor jargon behind my hunger would help me get food faster in the future. Unfortunately I didn’t see “highly irritable when not fed” as one of the symptoms of increased bilirubin levels. I think I will tell my friend he needs a second opinion! But in the meantime, he takes comfort in blaming his mood swings on bilirubin.
I too, shall take comfort in the fact that I am eating for two to explain these unexplainable swings. I should be able to use this excuse for at least a year before my husband remembers that these outbreaks have nothing to do with me being pregnant!
Why I love DMB…..
In this weeks Rolling Stone the Dave Matthews Band talked to RS about their new album due out in May. This article just reiterated why I love this band so much.
Here are my favorite parts of the article:
The new studio, which sits high above a small lake, boasts a personal chef, a bar and, on this Saturday night in January, a pitcher of magic-mushroom tea in the fridge.
"This album," says Matthews, "is about love, life, God, death and sex."
"Hunger for the Great Light," with lyrics about oral sex added by Matthews, who says, "That is our most overt 'fucking' song ever." "American Baby" opens with sounds of bombs dropping, but Matthews says it is meant to be optimistic: "There is a divide in this country. That song is hoping that apple pie and lemonade, baseball and sunny-day barbecues are not going to be replaced by a 'fuck 'em all and let God sort it out' vibe."
At around 11 p.m., twenty DMB employees gather to listen to the tracks. Matthews sips red wine, Batson rolls fat joints and everyone cheers after their favorite songs. Cocktail hour stretches into Sunday morning, and Matthews joins a poker game in the garage. The album is pretty much done.
Excerpted from RS 969, March 10, 2005
“Dave Matthews Mixes It Up”
-AUSTIN SCAGGS
When I listen to DMB I can hear the red wine, the fat joints and the magic mushrooms. It is wonderful!!
Here are my favorite parts of the article:
The new studio, which sits high above a small lake, boasts a personal chef, a bar and, on this Saturday night in January, a pitcher of magic-mushroom tea in the fridge.
"This album," says Matthews, "is about love, life, God, death and sex."
"Hunger for the Great Light," with lyrics about oral sex added by Matthews, who says, "That is our most overt 'fucking' song ever." "American Baby" opens with sounds of bombs dropping, but Matthews says it is meant to be optimistic: "There is a divide in this country. That song is hoping that apple pie and lemonade, baseball and sunny-day barbecues are not going to be replaced by a 'fuck 'em all and let God sort it out' vibe."
At around 11 p.m., twenty DMB employees gather to listen to the tracks. Matthews sips red wine, Batson rolls fat joints and everyone cheers after their favorite songs. Cocktail hour stretches into Sunday morning, and Matthews joins a poker game in the garage. The album is pretty much done.
Excerpted from RS 969, March 10, 2005
“Dave Matthews Mixes It Up”
-AUSTIN SCAGGS
When I listen to DMB I can hear the red wine, the fat joints and the magic mushrooms. It is wonderful!!
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