Tuesday, February 22, 2005

How come no one tells you any of the gross stuff?

I spent my President’s Day Holiday being lazy and watching TV.
So much for getting started on that baby room. Good think I still have 6 months! Hopefully I do not continue to procrastinate since the future baby room is the current Ebay, garage sale, get rid of room. There is absolutely no room for a baby. And the way the Grandma’s are shopping, hubby and I need to get on it!

I got caught up in watching Discovery Health Channels Birth Day Live. Someone should have warned me not to. Someone should have told me before I got knocked up to watch video on how that baby is going to get out of you once it has grown a nice big head! I was thoroughly grossed out. They showed what seemed like a million C-sections. Uggghhhh! Gross Gross Gross! Not that the vaginal births were any better but Discovery didn’t show anything gory on those. Only a couple of pushes and then a very messy baby. My husband changed the channel after he could see my totally freaking out.

How come no one tells you any of the gross stuff?
In the short time I watched I saw a baby delivered by c-section come out peeing on the Doctor. I am sure that is a video she is going to want to show all her friends when she is older! I saw 2 babies come out pooping. I saw doctors yank many babies by their heads (look like it hurts). I saw babies covered in white, green, yellow, brown and red slim. Not a pretty first picture.
And, the one that disturbed me the most….seeing all these women, feet up - in stir-ups, uncovered from the bottom down, and a ton of people (nurses, doctors, videographers, etc.) standing around looking at her cooch. Now this one totally freaked me out. I am not a very modest person….around my husband, girlfriends, sister or Mom. But those were not the people in the room. And even if they were, I really don’t think I am going to be looking my best with an alien head coming out of MY cooch! And another thing, what is up is the noise that some women make. Where does that come from and how embarrassing is that? Sex noise is one thing, but this baby delivering noise…..I have never heard anything like it. Some women sound like a jungle animal in heat. Just what I want my husband to remember (and then make fun of me later with) is the jungle growl I made while delivering our little alien. I read Jenny McCarthy’s Belly Laughs. I tried to prepare myself, but she left all of this out! But thank you girl for speaking the truth about the possibility of ME poo-ing on the delivery table. It just keeps getting better!

So, in order to get this baby out of me in 6 months, my husband and I have set some ground rules.
1. He is not allowed to hide under the bed in fetal position.
2. He is to make sure I am as covered as I can be. That means keeping a close eye on all blankets, gowns and robes to make sure the only part of my privates that are showing is what has to and only when it has to. Complete cover in between!
3. If duct tape is needed to muffle any strange sounds, then duct tape will be used!

Items for future discussion:
1. Video Camera – allowed or not allowed?
2. Digital Camera – this one is allowed but we need to talk about what pictures it is ok to take. Do we really want our first picture of our little loved one to be he/she covered in goo……or, someone forbid…..poo!!!
3. Guest List – who will be in the room with us. I will think long and hard on this one!

Thank goodness I still have 6 more months to prepare to hopefully hold it together (clothes and moans in tack) when the time finally comes!

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