Saturday, January 14, 2006

Obsession

I am obsessed with going back to work.

It is ruining the rest of the time that I still have off.

I cannot stop obsessing.


I am devastated with the fact that I am sending Mia to daycare. Even though millions of millions of women have done it before me….and even though millions of millions of children have not only survived, but thrived, at daycare.

It is not that I fear that something will happen to Mia while she is at daycare. It is not that I think the women who will be caring for her will not do an excellent job. (Of course not as good of a job as I would do, but a good job none the less.)

My fear lies in the fact that someone else will be getting Mia’s attention. I am the center of her universe and I love that role. I don’t want to share Mia! But in 2 weeks I will be allowing (and paying!) someone else to be the center of her world from 9-5, Monday – Friday.

I fear how much I am going to miss her. I still get up nightly to go and check on her. Not only to see if she is ok but also to just be in her presence. Just to be near her. Just to watch how peaceful she sleeps and how beautiful she looks.

And I fear someone else getting to see her firsts.

What if she starts walking at daycare?
She still has not rolled over. Is that going to happen while she is there? And what about crawling? Will she take her first little scoots in the presence of someone else? And teeth and words and laughs and that surprised look she gets when she discovers something new.

I might not be there.

And it is breaking my heart.

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